From WhatPort80

One of the characteristics of a h4X0r is the crazed look in his eye, that amazing typing speed, and the hunched back that overcomes him when he is in the vicinity of a computer

A hacker (h4x0r) does one thing by nature: he hacks away at something until it does what he wants, stealing your internets and megahertz in the process. Do not listen to those who tell you that hackers do not have magical powers: hackers can talk to your computer and explode electric grids with their minds. Some argue that hacking is just about "messing with stuff" and "writing some cool s*** for my box," but this is just a public relations ploy meant to keep you from the truth: hackers are, in reality, a race of cyborgs who seek to repopulate the planet with their own kind. You will be nothing but a slave in their technocratic kingdom of lies.

Hackers do not have girlfriends, as they find sexual pleasure in cross-over cables while waiting patiently for the establishment of cyberspace sex drones that will cater to their every whim when the revolution comes.

Hackers communicate in an encrypted language called leetspeak. ROT13 is also a common way for hackers to talk in "codes". If there is jibberish on your screen, you are getting haxed and you should immediately turn your computer off. Typical hacker cool coding could possibly look like this: a3*900adc9800said90fi()lulz%A)*&)$*)@iov**7o;osaidjfoijioi -- .>/aslkdk.

Types Of hackers

You can identify hackers by the stupidity of their haircut. In this instance, Bill Gates is successfully impersonating Janet Reno.

• White Hat Hacker - computer g33ks who enjoy working for a company to deploy their skills to stop the real 1337 hackers. 'legal' hackers. (AKA lame)

• Black Hat Hacker - 13 year old boys with snotty noses that think they are 1337 because they can write HTML. Barely.. "I am a 1337 haxxor lol. ima gonna write sum html to bring down da microsoft servers lol rofl"

• Grey Hat Hackers - the 1337est of all hackers. Dabble with both white hat and black hat hacking. Vast knowledge can be found inside their nerdy brains.

How to Tell if Your Child is a Hacker

According to Is Your Son a Computer Hacker?, your child may be under the bad influence of hackers, but it is not too late for intervention. Your child is a hacker if he displays the following habits:

• Ask you to switch away from AOL in order to circumvent the child safety features.
• Installs new programs like "Flash".
• Asks for a new "processor" from AMD.
• Starts reading books by Eric S. Raymond.
• Uses Quake.
• Is obsessed with "Linux".
• Starts wearing bright clothing
• Says the word cyberpunk.
• Plays Counter-Strike obsessively.
• Uploads 'Laughing Skull' viruses to the school maclab network in an attempt to spread the nerd gospel: "MACS SUK!!111".
• School nurse calls home to complain about your child's poor hygiene.
• Throws away the mouse, in favor of the much easier and more practical keyboard.

If your child is at this point already, there is nothing to do but strangle them with their computer power cable. Once they are this far along, the only cure is the sweet release of death.

Thankfully, Microsoft has offered this primer on hacker talk to help you decipher your child's l33t speech patterns -- and hopefully keep him from iniquity.

Respect

• Never call a coder or programmer anything except a hacker.
• Don't refer to them as hackers, either, as then your internets will get haxxed, even though only crackers do this. Hackers are just cute little puppies who only want knowledge of the information super highway, while crackers want to USE IT FOR EVIL.

Hackers in the eyes of Faux News

See Also

• l33t5p33k