Harry PotterFrom WhatPort80
Harry Potter Harry Potter is a series of tl;dr fantasy and wish-fulfillment books about magic and wizards written for children by British author J.K. Rowling. Rowling, whose books are awful compared to those of other successful writers, lives in Edinburgh, Scotland. If you want to find her and kill her, ask someone in Edinburgh. Rowling initially intended to use the books as a means to teach witchcraft and wizardry to young children, in hopes of raising an army to take down the Catholic church. However, she soon discovered that her fans were incredibly stupid and would rather sit around writing horrible fanfiction and songs instead. Rather than accept defeat, Rowling decided to become a quadrillionaire licensing Harry Potter movies, videogames, toys, board games, clothes, accessories, CDs, food, beverages, and dildos. The BooksIf you truly don't know at least a rough outline of the plot of Harry Potter by now, you've probably been living under a rock for the past decade . . . and your ignorance is enviable. Anyway, it's typical fantasy fare, with magic, dragons, elves and such, and good triumphing over evil. The series has a theme of Bildungsroman, a bunch of thinly veiled symbolism, and other such literary nonsense, but the majority of fans are only interested in fantasizing about the possible relationships between the characters. Here's the general plot of each of the seven books: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone This is the book that started the whole mess. So there's this 11-year-old kid named Harry Potter who lives with his Aunt and Uncle 'cause some guy named Harry, despite an upbringing in a cupboard that ought to give him the physique and personality of a bar of soap, is pukingly good at everything at school, befriends a poor red-headed kid named Ron and an intellectual jailbait named Hermione, and the three go about doing magical things. Later, Voldemort tries to get a rock with magical powers, but is beaten by three 11-year-old children. Unfortunately, Harry lives and the story continues. Harry Potter and the Chamber of SecretsHarry returns to Hogwarts, and there's a bunch of drama about people being attacked. This book is kind of cool, as it introduces a giant, poisonous snake that can kill people by looking at them. The snake tries to rid the school of "Mudbloods", but fails to kill anyone at all. Later, it tries to kill Harry, but is somehow defeated by the visually impaired twelve-year-old. Unfortunately, Harry again lives and the story continues. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of AzkabanThis one's pretty uneventful. Dumbledore appoints a werewolf as a teacher, but he doesn't go crazy and kill any students, which sucks. Harry finds out he has a Godfather who was wrongfully convicted of several accounts of /jb/ /cp/ and party v&. Ron's pet rat turns out to be a person and a follower of Voldemort. The rat gets away, so goody for him for not having to endure more of this crap, but noone dies and the story (unfortunately) continues. Harry Potter and the Goblet of FireHarry competes in a tournament with a bunch of dirty foreigners, fights a dragon, and saves the day. Voldemort comes back with his group of Death Eaters (the Wizarding equivalent of Nazis) and kills Cedric Diggory. This is kind of where the books started to turn the corner, as Rowling starts to kill off the characters, making her fanbase (comprised primarily of pre-teenage girls) cry for hours on end. Voldemort once again fails to kill Harry, and the story continues. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix tl;dr. Harry goes through a severe emo stage. Harry's Godfather, Sirius Black, dies. Fangirls BAWWWWWWWWWW. Sexy new teacher Dolores Umbridge molests the children by scribbling erotic messages in the back of their hands. And this book marks the introduction of HAGGER's half-brother, Grawp，confusing readers further as to how the hell Hagrid was concieved. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood PrinceZOMG!!1 SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE!1! Harry finds out that in order to defeat Voldemort, he has to find and destroy several "Horcruxes," which are objects in which a wizard... you know what? It doesn't matter. Good is going to triumph over evil, Voldemort will eventually die, and everyone will live happily ever after. Harry Potter and the Deathly HallowsThe final book in the series, and much more important than any other. Everyone died in this book, increasing the lulz potential tenfold. Naturally, spoilers were released days before the global release, and the trolls came out from their mothers' basements in full force to ruin everyone's fun. Here are those spoilers now, representing the ruination of Potter fans worldwide: 
A Look BackThe Vibrating Broomstick Debacle of 2002 
Listed on Amazon, the initial customer reviews were a treasure trove of lulz. Amazon has since replaced them with dull reviews that say only that the broom is boring and not appealing to boys, but the first reviews have been carefully preserved on many web sites. It 403s when you click it because the webmaster is lame (copy and paste it).
Fatal Imagery In the summer of 2005, the ire of 16 year old girls was raised when multiple spoilers were clandestinely placed into several prominent livejournal communities. So many flamewar-induced lulz ensued that LJ Drama wouldn't touch it, citing that it was 'old as soon as it began'. The direct result of these events was an overall increase in emo-style 'woe is me' journal posts by Fans, a feat once thought impossible by science. The overall sentiment was "when we said pictures plz, this is not what we meant." For more information, please see The Great Dumbledore Dies Meme of 2005 GINNY IS A HUSSY zOMG!!1!The ship war to end all wars. Originally just a small argument in forum, it is now a lolwar between Hermione/Harry and Harry/Ginny. A great many mousy spinsters and 16-year-old girls spend their time dreaming up romantic stories about who in the Harry Potter universe is screwing who. Prior to the release of the 7th book, a central division between these literary scholars concerned itself with whom Harry Potter would have sex. One group believed that Harry Potter would end up banging Hermione. The other group believed that Harry Potter would end up banging Ginny. A small group of fair-minded readers suggested a compromise in the form of a threesome. Since the people who believed that Harry Potter would end up banging Ginny had actual in-text justifications for their belief, they were unsurprisingly proven correct in the final book. The "Harmonians" (the dorky name the Harry/Hermione slashfic writers gave themselves) perceived this as a personal insult. The insult was compounded by an interview given by J.K. Rowling to a Harry Potter fan site in which she kinda-subtlely-but-not-really delivered a virtual clue-by-four to the heads of the people who really, honestly thought that Harry would end up banging Hermione.
This led to a fandom meltdown of truly epic proportions as Harry/Hermione slash writers around the intarweb collectively blew a gasket. The resulting fandom wankalypse could be felt as far away as several inches, and ended up producing such gems as the following:
There was also a petition in which the signatories, completely divorced from any sense of perspective, demanded that J.K. Rowling turn over the writing duties of Book 7 to one of the fat 40-year-old female virgins who writes Harry/Hermione slashfic on the web. Because J.K. Rowling doesn't know her own characters well enough to write THE BEAUTIFUL TRUTH OF HARRY AND HERMIONE BOINKING LIKE BUNNIES! And she doesn't realize that GINNY IS A JEZABEL! The fact that Hermione dated a Russian reaver who was three years older than her during the events of the fourth book isn't in the least bit risque, by the way. In addition, another petition was created demanding an apology and re-write under penalty of boycott (like any of the rabid fans would miss out on the last book). Grief counselors have been called in, to little real effect. Gaia Online Shenanigans'Harry Potter' publisher gets subpoena to identify pirate From Bloomberg News July 17, 2007 Scholastic Corp., publisher of the new "Harry Potter" book, obtained a subpoena to learn the identity of a California website user who allegedly posted copies of the final sequel, scheduled for release Saturday. Scholastic said in a court filing Monday that "materials hosted on Photobucket.com's system" contain materials that infringe copyrights owned by Scholastic and J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books. Photobucket.com, a News Corp. unit, is a website for sharing photos and videos on social networks such as MySpace. The subpoena was sent to Gaia Interactive Inc. in San Jose seeking the identity of a user on gaiaonline.com, a social network, according to the filing in San Francisco federal court. Gaia complied with the subpoena, removed the material and temporarily banned the user from the site, said Gaia spokesman Bill Danon. The postings included scanned material and a discussion of the material, he said. New Book Spoiled by New York TimesThe New York Times reviewed the book, revealing spoilers for everyone reading the article (which is pretty much everyone). The spoilers even pissed off J.K. Rowling! Trivia
Unicorns Are Not Real & Other Obvious Phenomena  On October 19, 2007 at Carnegie Hall in NYC, J.K Rowling publicly announced that Albus Dumbledore was gay. She claims this move was to help promote gay tolerance.s.
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