This page contains spoilers — Important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example, OH WOW MAN DID YOU KNOW THAT the Shamwow guy fights $cientology??? I SURE DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING!
I'm gonna sell you some GodJesus-dang expensive paper towels!
Shamwow is perhaps the greatest invention ever. Evar. We know this because the product is from Germany, which obviously makes it that much better. Actually, to be honest, no one really cares about Shamwow. It's only popular because of a certain video featuring a dude with a headset who can't stop talking and who is trying too hard to become the next Billy Mays. Like his predecessor, if he tries hard enough, he may one day face the great Mays in an epic fight. Only then will we know the true winner.
The Shamwow guy, however, has had some interesting run-ins throughout his life. It is a story full of fail, then epic, then fail again as the world turns. It will make you cry, gnash your teeth, become constipated, everything. But it's all for the lulz.
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You can cut it in half, use one as a bath mat, drain ya dishes with the other one, use one as a towel!
Airing on television in the spring of 2008 across most of American, this minute-long infomercial of fail is narrated / acted / fapped to by a Bronx-accented guy named Vince, who looks and sounds strikingly similar to Scout from Team Fortress 2. He's your average, everyday cool, hip young guy with a faux hawk. Armed with a headset (for reasons which we do not know), his goal in life is to sell you some Shamwow. What does it do? Watch carefully:
Obviously Vince is no Billy Mays, but the kid is definitely trying.
Hi, it's Vince with Shamwow! You'll be saying wow every time you use this towel! It's like a chamois! It's like a towel! It's like a sponge. A regular towel doesn't work wet - this works wet or dry. This is for the house, the car, the boat, the RV! Shamwow holds twenty times its weight in liquid. Look at this! It just does the work! Why do you want to work twice as hard? It doesn't drip, doesn't make a mess. You wring it out, wash it in the washing machine. It is made in Germany, you know the Germans always make good stuff. You can cut it in half, use one as a bath mat, drain ya dishes with the other one, use one as a towel. Olympic divers, they use it as a towel. Look at that! Completely dry! Put a wet sweater, roll it up, it dries your sweaters. Here's some cola... wine.. coffee... cola... pet stains. Not only is the damage gonna be on top - there's your mildew. That is going to smell! See that? The most absorbin' We're gonna do this in real time! Look at this! Put it on the spill, turn it over! Without even putting any pressure, fifty percent of the cola right there. You follow me, camera guy? The other fifty percent, the color starts to come up. No other towel's gonna do that! It acts like a vacuum! And look at this - virtually dry on the bottom! See what I'm telling ya? Shamwow! You'll be saying wow every time!
Vince version:
Hi it's Vince with Shamwow You'll be sayin wow every time you use this towel It's like a chamois it's like a towel it's like a sponge A regular towel doesn't work wet - this works wet or dry This is for the house the car the boat the RV Shamwow holds twenty times its weight in liquid Look at this It just does the work Why do you want to work twice as hard? Doesn't drip doesn't make a mess you wring it out wash it in the washing machine Made in Germany - you know the Germans always make good stuff You can cut it in half use one as a bath mat drain ya dishes with the other one use one as a towel Olympic divers they use it as a towel Look at that Completely dry Put a wet sweater roll it up it dries your sweaters Here's some cola... wine.. coffee... cola... pet stains Not only is the damage gonna be on top - there's your mildew That is gonna smell See that The most absorb Were gonna do this in real time Look at this Put it on the spill turn it over Without even putting any pressure fifty percent of the cola right there You follow me camera guy? The other fifty percent the color starts to come up No other towel's gonna do that It acts like a vacuum And look at this - virtually dry on the bottom See what I'm tellin' ya? Shamwow You'll be sayin' wow every time!
How to Do a Shamwow Commercial
Get a Bronx / Long Island accent.
Purchase Madonna headset mic.
"It was made in Germany". Repeat x3.
Say "Look at this!" and "Ya follow me, camera guy?" a lot.
PROTIP: Find a blue screen and a black table for a boring setting
Beware of Imitators Shamwow
A thorough and grueling investigation was carried out by the faithful members of Encyclopedia Dramatica to determine the effectiveness of Shamwow. The results? Shamwow sucks. For one, the product does pick up liquids, but not nearly as much as it claims (none of this twenty times crap). Essentially, one could use a towel and get about the same results. It is a bit more absorbent (though not as absorbent as Bounty or Brawny), but still, apply a little more pressure with a towel and you have yourself a homemade Shamwow. Also, it comes with no instructions, so they don't tell you that wiping the Shamwow on a dirty shower wall will leave permanent streaks (of course if you use Shamwow to clean a mildewed shower stall, you're an idiot. CLR it, dummy).
Shamwow in real-time action. Note the towel-like towel powers it possesses.
In addition to being less "wow" and more "meh", the Shamwow online site has been reported of stealing people's credit card information and charging various hidden fees. Once they overcharge you, the company sends you a "gift" of more Shamwows than what you ordered as a sort of compensation. In short, you will never see your money again. Sounds more like Scamwow, amirite?
Just another case of buyer beware. YOU BUY!! YOU BUY!!'
Missing Instructions / Rules
It's made in Germany!
Open your package of Shamwow.
Don't apply any pressure to the liquid to get up 50% of it.
Pound the bejesus out of Shamwow onto the liquid to get the rest of it.
Shamwow apply directly to the forehead! Shamwow apply directly to the forehead! Shamwow apply directly to the forehead!
If you cut Shamwow once, you have two towels! Cut those towels, and you've got four! FOUR! You could have a million towels!
Never feed Shamwow after midnight or tragedy may ensue.
Vince
Vince, the Shamwow guy, is actually a real person. His name is Vince Offer, a D-level actor trying to make it to the big time riding on Shamwow's backside. His first "big break" occurred with his hit movie cleverly titled The Underground Comedy Movie. The flick depicts many black people, gay people, and defecation and is basically one big kettle of fail ready to boil over with horrid acting and overly-stupid gags. Actually, the movie isn't that bad - it has its moments if you like to offend. But the flick was almost the financial ruin of him - lawsuits sprung up from the butthurt producers of There's Something Wrong About Mary claiming he stole fourteen scenes from their movie and put it in his. Offer responded by suing Anna Nicole Smith, saying she breached her contract by refusing to appear on the film ftw. It all evened out.
He's a rapper!
Offer went into the sales racket soon after and began selling kitchen utensils. He auditioned for the part of the Shamwow guy after hearing about its amazing absorbency and was hired on soon after. His acting has generated both good and bad reviews. Slate.com's Seth Stevenson believes he is the son Billy Mays should have had, stating "hectoring tone... makes us feel like idiots for even entertaining the notion of not buying a Shamwow." Obviously Stevenson is a sheep.
Vince Offer versus $cientology
Vince Offer, his life and times
It would seem our boy Vince would have little to do with the Scientologists we've come to know and despise. But in 2004, Vince, an ex-$cientologist, sued the cult for attempting to kill off his acting career. A Scientologist from 1982 until the late nineties, Vince was a mediocre member who dreamed of playing Dutch Oven with Xenu. When he began filming for his movie in 1997, the cult got wind of his offensive film and tried to sabotage it by blackballing him from some of his co-workers, who happened to be Scientologists themselves, fearing it would tarnish the "pious" image of their cult. The co-workers illegally took scenes from the movie and attempted to make it look like he was trying to harm $cientology. In a court in which no evidence was provided and was run in part by a fourteen year old, Scientologist found Offer guilty on all 23 accounts and labeled him as a "Type B Criminal". They kicked Vince out of their little butthurt club and Vince had to go it alone. They also apparently tried to kill him, but Vince dodged. Offer left for good once he began to understand how destructive and goatse the cult and L RON are. In the end, $cientology left him penniless and alone. But all was not lost. Once Vince saw the light, Scientologist just couldn't keep him down. In 2002, he began his kitchen utensil enterprise. Once he had enough money, he used his funds to carry a successful DVD release of his movie, netting him lots of green bills. He now uses most of his money to sue or get out factual information against the $cientologists. So whenever you see a Shamwow commercial, salute the television screen and say "God speed, sweet prince." He's on our side.
Fans of Vince
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You guys are all so WRONG! I am sure it is my old HS boyfriend who is a Broadway Star, a film star, and extremely talented, satirizing the whole “Head on” thing. It is brilliant marketing, and if it weren’t wonderfully funny, you wouldn’t still be talking about it here! Just laugh with him the next time you see it, and you will notice he is smiling with you and the character he is playing. Wait and see…
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— Comment by Lindsay on some crappy review site, July 19th, 2008
