TotseFrom WhatPort80    Totse, or Temple Of The Small Erection, is a throwback to old-school BBS days when being a hacker was about information, instead of being some sort of generic fashion statement. Totse was created by Jeffray Huntar who does not really run the site at all, instead he shows up once every couple of years to get drunk and vomit all over the servers causing the occasional downtime, leaving his tweaked out moderators to deal with the mess. Moderators of Totse include Zok, Metaphysicist and Euda, every other moderator is just a sock puppet of these three. The main focus of Totse is the text files, where you'll find outdated information related to computer security, discussion of politics, even some stuff about religion. Of course, 90% of the articles consist of:
However, totse isn't all about text-files, there is a fairly large forum with a large number of registered users, most of which are spam accounts & sock puppets used to harass the oppressive moderators. Totse has existed for a long time, and used to be the original source of lulz before websites like 4chan came into existence. Since then some channers have tried to overrun Totse with their forced memes, but their efforts are typically frustrated by the fact that registration is almost always closed. Totse pretends to thrive on its own set of memes, articles, lulz, trolls etc. It also has its own IRC channel at Slashnet by the name of #totse. Orientation VideoAn accurate video regarding totse. Totse Forums Spurious GeneralitiesWhat used to be a gathering ground for emotionally damaged ethical hackers, SG over the years has become a massive chatroom for morons to whine excessively about how much they hate the moderators for locking their topics, and other typical teenage problems. Spurious should be avoided at all costs, unless you actually want to reverse the effects of puberty. Better Living Through ChemistryThis is your typical drug forum consisting mostly of kids drinking whatever they can find under the sink to get a buzz. The one difference with this one is that this is the recruiting grounds for most of the totse moderators. The job description for moderators on totse requires them to take more pills and illicit substances than ripper to stay constantly awake to handle the tidal wave of teenage idiocy that totse's userbase deals out. Sex and Affection![Xippili and Tsunami [married].](/Image:Typical_totseans.JPG)   This forum has little to do with any real sex and even less about affection. Almost all of the users are angsty teens that have had no real experience except technically losing their virginity to cybersex. Like any forum on the Internet about sex there is the common dumb questions like:
Forum threads also commonly follow the form of the "Nice Guys" rant, in which the OP complains that he can't secure female companionship because he is, apparently, too nice. The argument completely ignores the possibility that the OP is not, in fact, "too nice," but is, instead, a whiny repulsive stalker. Bad IdeasThis forum is the reason why most people join totse. It is filled to the brim with people talking openly and freely about things that could get them put in jail for a very long time. The forum is built on an obviously foolproof defense againts potential prosecution that consists entirely of replacing the actual protagonist of the story with the term SWIM (Someone Who I Met). Weapons and CombatRednecks whining that the government is oppressive because they can't own armor-piercing high-explosive depleted-uranium 120mm 600-round-per-minute machine guns or a personal 300 kiloton hydrogen bomb launcher. The other half of the members are wapanese who have watched Kill Bill one too many times and own 50$ samurai swords; these users have typically descended to the point where they believe that said sword automatically enrolls them into some sort of honor system, and also deflects bullets. Backyard BallisticsAlso known as the "bomb making forum", backyard ballistics is where wannabe terrorists and pyros learn how to make explosives out of everything from peanut butter, to dipping your genitals in nitric acid. To become popular here, post topics about the informative knowledge of the "The Anarchist Cookbook" that you learned from bombshock. Saying bomb here apparently results in a IRL B& Moving PicturesThere are only three types of topics here:
Half BakedHalf Baked is Spurious Generality's intelligent yet stupid brother. It consists of a small community made up of emos, women, gay people and some respectable posters. You have to experience Half Baked for a long time in order to like it. Half Baked is the pain in totse's butt. HB'ers are responsible for having the rep system disabled and the majority of totse's trolls are HB'ers
Forum Functions:The Totse forums used to run on a 75 year old BBS scripted in notepad that had been beaten, disemboweled, raped, and looked like Windows™ 3.1. Since it was so old, many users abused one of a million loopholes which allowed them to stretch the pages as wide as the goatse man's anus. Another drawback was that there could only be a maximum of 4 moderators per forum; this had driven most of them to the brink of insanity, and many are known to have taken massive amounts of crystal meth just to handle the job. However, as of the 4th of April 2007, at 07:18 UTC, the old BBS was replaced with a shiny new vBulletin system, open to registration. Rep SystemA short-lived feature that allowed one to have a graphical representation of their e-penises to show off to one another. This ill-fated feature was exploited and gang-raped until it drowned in an e-Bukkake. Thankfully the user known as Harold Has failed to get the mods and admins to reinstate Rep . Harold has failed at his bs protest and life itself. There have been recent changes to the board including: Buddy Lists, Flood Control Sometime a few years ago, Jeff was getting sick of people flooding the boards with scat naughty pictures, and making worthless posts to inflate their e-go (post count in this case); so he decided to place a essential device called Flood Control. Basically, whenever some moron decides to post a topic immediately after another, it stops them from posting for 63 seconds. Not bad eh? Only problem is that a large chunk of totse members cannot grasp the oh-so-simple concept that a BBS is not an instant messenger. People still to this day cry about how 63 seconds is just too long to wait. Amazing isn't it? But then again, one should never underestimate the violent stupidity of the teenage mind. Since its placement, flood control has kept totse from spiraling into complete idiocy. It should also be noted that both New Orleans and Atlantis could have benefited from flood control. Memes  Over the years the totse forums had 3 main memes before being completely overrun by the INTERNET HATE MACHINE. These included:
Forum Warfare In the days before the existence of YTMND & 4chan (who later became enemies), totse was on their own. Their terrible software was prone to attacks such as the SPF raid. The totse basement-dwelling elite found a solution to their problems: TOTSE ARMY. The totse army was a group of hackers and skript kiddies who would stand up against totses enemies; executing massive spam attacks against their forums. They were basically a form of internet military. The first targets in their career was the long time rivals bombshock after some idiot from there came to totse with the sole intent of trolling the crap out of the place. When they got bored they decided to do forum raids against random communities (much like 4chan's /b/). Things went well until they decided to attack the "The Lord of the Rings Fanatics Plaza". After the army finished goatseing the place, the forum dwellers called Jeff Hunter and threatened legal action. For the first time in at least 100 years Jeff Hunter actually posted on the forums and basically told everyone to knock it the hell off. The totse army is still around, but has moved to drawball. Totse once tried to make a gigantic "TOTSE" banner on drawball last year however, they were all too damn stupid to organize their efforts resulting in 2 crappy banners that got thoroughly pwned by the Koreans. Media ControversyThe media often does specials on totse due to the fact that any searches from "how to make a bomb with household items" to "how do I lose my virginity to my sister" will turn up totse as the first and most relevant search. About a few years ago, the Canadian media blamed totse for turning all of Kamloops, British Columbia into a gigantic meth lab. Australian media also blames totse for being the most sophisticated online terrorist training ground in the world, and features a pic of a totse user on their "National Security Information Campaign" poster. PROTIP: Look closely at the outdoor PDF. As of Friday 27th October 2006, some totse member hacked a parking lot sign in a perfect example of Shameless self promotion, causing lulz among morning drivers. [1] [2] Once Again LAWLZ
November 2nd, 2007, Chollier County, FL sheriff's department circulates a memo about a new drug, Jenkem. Local news gets a hold of this lolcow and shows just how stupid old media really is. The video includes pix of Pickwick and his wonderful creation with TOTSE clearly visible on the container. Story Here. TsuN00bie Summer '08As of July 4th, Registraion for the forums opened after a year of being closed creating a wave of new users wanting bomb instructions and how to inject jenkem. Totse ComicsTotse has it's own comic series made by Jeff Huntard himself.
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